I always forget that after working out I feel so balanced again, even after a long hiatus. “Long” of course, being considered exactly seven days without much in the way of physical activity quite like what I’m used to at the gym (high intensity). And for some people, I know, that isn’t long at all. Maybe I’m lucky in that way then, that I have the self-motivation to go day after day, week after week, and so on regularly (which has been so for the last three or four years, in fact).

Well, the reason for the hiatus was a planned trip home starting on Thursday night, which also happened to be my last day of work downtown. The goodbye from there actually made me sad, but not for all of the employees. Mostly just for Bruce and then Carol, the owner. I’d gone into her office to politely say goodbye and good luck, and she’d surprised me with a hug and abundant thanks for everything I did (which, if you’re one of the people who talk to me during the day, you’ll know otherwise…). And she looked so defeated. Some coworkers and I had discussed this the week before, but she hasn’t been dressing with the same flair she used to. Now instead of a diva she simply looks like a well-dressed woman puttering about her office. Hair mussed. Shoulders slumped forward. She smiled, but not with her whole face, just with her mouth. And in that moment that I finally dragged my suitcase out to the elevators, I felt very sad for her.

Same with saying goodbye to Bruce, for although he is exactly like most of the men in my family when it comes to goodbyes (casual, with a let’s-not-get-too-sentimental gruffness), he had given me the Fu dogs off his desk, and said that he’d be in contact with me on Friday for insurance purposes. Nothing very affectionate in the way of a farewell, but he made sure I had his cell phone memorized before I went and actually smiled on the way out. I will miss him.

Well, there  are certainly possibilities on the horizon, and for that I’m excited.  It was also a very good weekend in general, even though I didn’t quite have my fill of Maryland crabs (I think there is something wrong with me. I can’t stop craving them). I also saw Indiana Jones, and I had a snotty, bitchy rant ready for you but for now the motivation to rag on the movie has left me.

There are interesting stories to tell, but right now I’m preparing myself for tomorrow. Two consultations and something else. !!! Nervous. Until then…

Saturday I threw out my back, and I’ve been treating it ever since.

Things may be looking up, however. Today I can actually move without wincing too much, although a fast change in position makes me grimace a bit. But at least I can stand up without crying out in pain, and sit back down without groaning while my spine readjusts.

Whatever my teacher did, I don’t think anybody should ever do again.

And Icy/Hot is my new favorite thing to use for injuries. That and my beloved large heating pad, the one that got me through the first freezing weekend in my new apartment.

In other news, tomorrow I will be at home

Friday: I sulk. I do nothing. Then I decide to do something, but turn down my cousin’s offer to accompany him to the airport while he picks up a friend. I read for two hours, finish my book, and then lie around. Try to watch a movie (28 Weeks Later) but discover it a bit too nervy for being alone on a dark Friday night, and so I call my boy and then wait for him to get home so we can watch it together. After that, it’s sleep.

Saturday is beautiful and the sun is so bright in the sky that I jump out of bed and get ready for the gym. Before I go, the cousin stumbles out of his bedroom after a night of debauchery at the Clairmont (ew). I ignore him and go to the gym anyway. A quarter of the way through my run I see Megan, my old instructor, so I decide to get off the treadmill and take her class. She is happy to see so many of her faithful students, although she is no longer teaching at that gym. It is a good workout.

During the afternoon, I go to a coworker’s house. She has a convertible (a Porsche!) and so we drive with the top down to the mall. It’s warm but with a cool breeze. We wander and then later come back to Rosa Mexicana to have pomegranate margaritas (mine on an empty stomach… not a good idea), and we talk the rest of the afternoon away. I am feeling pleasant and buzzy by the time we leave, but I take a nap when I get home.

It’s another coworker’s birthday, so we drive down to the Highlands and go to La Fonda for more margaritas. A lot of people sit around a table, but we cram in at the end. There are pictures, and more pitchers of drinks, and laughing and then in a blur we drive down to that same sketchy dance club that’s underground. And because one of my friends knows a guy at the door, we get in half price.

It’s just like last time. Dark and smokey. We order drinks and edge around the bar, then grab some of the seats along the walls. Later there is dancing and movement in the confusing ring around the center, but we leave around one-thirty. I drive back. My cousin handed his keys over earlier in the night and then stumbles up the stairs when we’re back at the apartment.

I fall asleep, but later he tells me that he’d thrown up in his laundry basket. Great, I tell him. Very mature. Well, we all have our nights, I suppose.

Sunday is lazy, and we see Narnia. Then we drive to Acworth where I watch my aunt drink glass after glass of wine. We sit out on the porch and discuss future plans. My future with jobs. I grow more and more pained as the night goes on, a sharp crick in my back taking my breath away when I move in certain directions.

It’s full circle, really, and now it’s a new week.

These are some things that I really need to get off my chest:

- that piece of shit may be on the same flight as me, breathing the same recycled air as me, and existing where I exist. This makes me so mad I can hardly see straight. I realize he has a right to fly home too, but what a fucking tool.

- I hope it rots the hell off, or that whatever weak woman is unfortunate enough to be afflicted with his presence will break him worse than can be imagined.

- this company needs to just shut down so I can focus on finding a new job…

- …and in that vein, I wish someone would just call me the hell back so I can figure out

a) if I’m moving
b) if I’m starting a new career
c) if my life will just continue being worthless for a while

- I don’t know why people just assume I know everything because I’m sitting at a computer and staring at the main phone system.

- I’m really happy to be angry with you because it means I will have more time in bed with my boyfriend and won’t have to waste it on you.

- while I appreciate everyone’s support and all, I get really pissed when people smile nicely and say don’t worry, you’ll be fine. It’ll work out. Just keep plugging away. I know this is simply the advice expected, but seriously. You don’t think I know that? Shut the hell up if you can’t say something useful like, “There’s an opening ______.”

- it needs to stop fucking raining so I can smile at the sunlight again.

Now that I have some of those things off my chest, I can truly say that I believe I’m in a well-organized depression. It feels just like the one I slid into last year around this same time. And for some reason even if it does become sunny, until I find some stability I won’t be able to break out of this, and will continue to be scared to death of the free-fall I believe I’m in.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Finally, today is everyone else’s last day at work. I get until the 22nd, but then I’m flying home. I’d wanted to be employed by then but I don’t have a break until that point. I just wish I could relax in peace instead of begging for money from my father, but we’ll see. There’s still one more week in which someone can contact me so I can get my life in order…

In other news my fish had more babies, and tonight I’m going to drink with the (ex) staff and pretend like I feel fine, just fine.

Dear                 ,

You almost always make me smile, and I love you for it.

Yours,
K

Don’t really know what to do with myself.

I let the despair take over for a while last night. After a long week, I decided to indulge. Cooked fish and tried to watch a movie, but couldn’t. Sat in my room and watched a different movie, but fell into a restless sleep. Woke more tired than I had been.

Today I went to my aunt’s house. We gave her flowers and two cards and ate dinner.  Listened to the little kiddies scream and fight.

It’s been a quiet day.  Sometimes I feel out of control, as though I’m ignoring the signs that my life has been giving me. Sigh.

Well, that ship certainly sunk fast.

Last day at this company is May 15th. We just found out yesterday, so yes. They gave exactly one week’s notice.

My boss had the nerve to say, “We’d prefer that if you have interviews, you do them before 8:00 or after 5:00.”

I had to restrain myself from running her through with a sharp stick. The tension in the room at that moment was palatable, and it made my skin crawl.

So I haven’t gotten anything yet, although last night I had a dream that an employer called me. Sitting in the airport terminal, I couldn’t hear a single thing, so I missed their information and what they wanted. I tried dialing back to hear the message but there was a small child crawling towards me, and I couldn’t concentrate. In the end, I missed the message.

I hope it’s not prophetic or anything.

And sometimes, when I let myself sink into despair, I start to think… that I’ve really been shit on since I’ve moved here. Think about it. Got sick. Wallet was stolen. Fell into bad debt. Relationship ended catastrophically. Had to move out in two days. Fell into worse debt while getting my new apartment. Now my job has disintegrated. What the hell?

I’ve been hanging in there though. Putting out resumes, working, and trying not to fall into that pit of angst and disharmony. It’s difficult.

Yesterday after we got the news, we went straight home. I went to the gym where, of course, I’d forgotten my work out pants. Great.  So I went for a half-assed swim, and then avoided my troubles by going straight to the movies. The cousin and I saw Iron Man again, and then we watched LOST. Well, I reformatted a computer and then stayed awake until it was very late.  Had that dream, and then when I woke up it was a bleary Friday morning.

Well, I’ll keep you posted.

The last few days I’ve spent in a blind panic. While I’ve calmed down a bit, it’s still going to take me a few days to reach any kind of mental peace.

So things aren’t going so well at the job. It’s nothing I’ve done, but the heap of trouble my boss has gotten us into from being delinquent on rent and just being herself the last ten or fifteen years since Jack died. Anyway, she was served papers of some kind (official-looking ones from the building administration), and so we’re all just assuming and preparing for the worst. It only makes sense.

I’ve been applying to everything, left and right, hoping that someone will call me back. Haven’t heard anything yet, but then again it’s only been three days since I first started. We’ll see. The shittiest part of this whole mess is that my manager isn’t going to bother telling us when we’re out of business until the day before. It will be something like, “Don’t come in tomorrow.” And then we’ll all be fucked, some of us more than others (me, since I am the only one without a partner or a savings account).

We’ll see!

On a related note, last night I got a panicked call from my aunt who said that my grandmother told her I was unemployed and kicked out of my apartment. Hahaha. Not yet.

I sit through work on Friday, barely, and then at five I bolt out the door and down the MARTA escalator. Help some woman buy a pass (incidentally, I had purchased the wrong one myself), and then get on the southbound train to the airport. I check in using my special code and then wait for a while. Say hello to my cousin, who shows up soon after I’ve finished a greasy hot dog smeared with mustard. He charms the ticket agent and I end up getting my first First Class seat ever on an airplane.

I sit and try to read some of The Golden Compass, but the book is nearly as unbearable as the movie. I stretch, shift around in the first class seat, cross my legs, uncross them, order another water and some cookies, and then stare out the window at the land, growing hazy and featureless as night steals over us. I land several hours later.

We drive to Annapolis, where Misspent Youth is playing at the Pesce Grande. The regulars are there but I’m pretty sure they’ve forgotten me without the ornament (pretty but poisonous) on my arm. It’s all right. I sit contentedly drinking Yuengling and snapping pictures of my dad stomping around the stage. The boy and I leave some time later, and don’t get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning.

The funeral is somber. Very sad. I don’t cry, but I almost do, and I wouldn’t have been alone if I had. We sit with the staff after driving an hour south of DC and there is music. We pay our respects and I think for a while about him, wondering if there really is a God and whether he’s really in a better place. I suppose it is no time or place to question my beliefs or analyze them, but just to believe, if not for myself than at least for the sake of the family and friends gathered.

Later, there’s lunch and an intense and serious discussion, then Ironman, then seafood and Cloverfield with the family. It’s another late night.

I get up at four to drive to the airport. The roads are deserted. It’s the fourth of May. I fly back, barely making the flight home but arriving as the sun comes out and warms the air. After sleeping for a few hours, I awake and sit in traffic for a while before parking in front of a co-worker’s house for a Quatro-de-Mayo party. Sit and drink a margarita, eat a five-layer dip, and talk about the job (or the lack of one, soon). Their house is green, and their basset hound is very cute.

It’s warm outside, just like spring should be.

The last few days:

- hectic at work. We’re moving shit, throwing most of it away, and hustling to get it done. It’s like a mini Market setup, except I don’t have to deal with price changes and vendor bullshit (yet).

- may not have to deal with all of those things, in fact, because if any of the rumors that have been flying around the building are true, I probably won’t have this job much longer. The universe that is my job will implode, and I will be left with nothing for the moment, nothing to fall back on and I will be forced to move in again with my aunt. Or home, to Maryland. Of course, this is only if I refuse a position as a teacher.  Sigh.

- felt sick after class on Monday. Like, sick enough to get up in the middle of several sets of abs and just leave. Spent the rest of the night feeling ill.

- played hookie after my doctor’s appointment  and just drove around. Went to Target to fill the allergy prescription I procured, the picked up some small essentials. Fish oil, because the doctor claimed that either that or Niocin might be helpful in maintaining a healthy triglycerides level. I’m too young for this shit.

- yesterday I felt so disgusting that I skipped class after work and lay in bed the rest of the night. I had a migraine that throbbed when I opened my eyes, and so watching “Vanity Fair” did little to help.

Finally, I turned it off and just fell asleep around 6:30 or so. Lay there for what seemed like an eternity, but awoke to the phone ringing.

- in the afternoon I had been urged to attend the funeral, so I spent the last few minutes of work pressuring my cousin into listing me for a flight home and back. And I feel it is the right thing to do, to pay my respects. So I will be home, hopefully, Friday night until Sunday morning.